Should my partner and I become polyamorous?
Polyamory is the practice of having multiple sexual or romantic partners, based upon the principal that love can be plural and is not a scarce commodity which can only be given to one person. Sometimes one partner or both partners come to therapy with the question – “Should my partner and I become polyamorous?”.
Considering polyamory may come from many different sources:
An innate desire: Alike sexuality, a deep, innate knowing, which a person has had for most of their life
Philosophical inquiry into the nature of love and fidelity
A suggestion from a partner, cultural influences or friends
The loss of intimacy in a long-term relationship, leading to the consideration of having sexual needs met elsewhere whilst maintaining an emotional bond
As a couples therapist specialising in polyamory, I see the same dynamics which occur in monogamous relationships playing out, but in a different context. When beginning to consider polyamory, I acknowledge with my clients that polyamory or opening your relationship, will naturally inflame any areas of insecurity within your sense of self and relationship.
This is not to say that you shouldn’t become polyamorous.
Rather, it is an honest recognition that multiple partners will lead to more complexity, often more tender feelings and the potential to feel insecure in the relationship. Feelings of anxiety, jealousy, betrayal and anger are all normal parts of human experience and of attachment bonds. Polyamory is not about eradicating or transcending those feelings, but instead about being able to acknowledge, soothe and communicate those feelings between partners. It is about being able to create or maintain secure relationships which can weather the storms, for the purpose of increasing the possibilities of pleasure and connection amongst multiple partners.
So, if you are opening an existing relationship, your weaknesses as a couple will become clearer. Your existing coping strategies, communication styles and conflict loops will become exacerbated. Polyamory necessitates “levelling up” in your relationship and is therefore an invitation to strengthen your bond. Polyamory requires deeper self-knowledge, better boundaries, clearer agreements and more capacity to respond with curiosity and empathy to your partner’s experience (especially when it is difficult for you to hear).
Are some people more suited than others to be polyamorous?
Polyamory and Attachment Styles
People with anxious attachment may find polyamory more challenging than partners with different attachment styles. People with this attachment style are fearful of abandonment and are therefore very attuned to their partner withdrawing and sensitive to rejection. Multiple partners may contribute to an anxiously attached person feeling like they have lost worth to their partner and their self-esteem might suffer. Anxiously attached partners in polyamorous relationships will need more soothing and reassurance, without which they may attempt to regain their partner’s attention through distressed tears, anger or sometimes control. A common dynamic is an anxiously attached partner with an avoidantly attached partner, and in this case, whilst avoidantly attached partners are generally more tolerant of polyamory, they might become defensive and overwhelmed by their anxiously attached partner’s response to opening the relationship.
For some people who have had a difficult history of relationships in their life, and who aren’t entering polyamory with an internal map of relationships being safe, reliable, understanding and comforting (i.e. secure attachment), polyamory may lead to increased conflict. Partners may become very overwhelmed and reactive when opening the relationship and find themselves stuck in a painful conflict cycle. As you open you relationship, couples therapy and particularly a couples therapist whose specialises in polyamory is both necessary and supportive. A couples therapist whose specialises in polyamory will have extra knowledge and respect for the values, common challenges and interventions necessary to support successful poly relationships. Alternatively, seeking individual psychotherapy for attachment repair might be a valuable adjunct or preliminary step to support becoming polyamorous.
Polyamory and Trauma
If there have been traumatic experiences in your life, including controlling, physically and sexually harmful relationships, experiencing safety in your adult relationships is an important part of healing. For people who have had traumatic experiences within relationships, the normal, vulnerable feelings of opening a relationship may become highly distressing. It is expected to feel some anxiety and to have disagreements when poly, but this needs to be distinguished from being flooded by emotions which debilitate you. When you have experienced trauma, it is also important to distinguish between whether polyamory is a way to increase your pleasure or might be a way of avoiding the overwhelming feelings that intimacy provokes. For poly couples with trauma, getting individual therapy alongside couples therapy is often essential to build the capacity to identify and regulate emotions, and therefore engage in the challenging conversations necessary in polyamorous couples’ therapy. Otherwise seeking individual psychotherapy prior to opening your relationship and increasing the complexity of your relationships, can be a valuable first step.
What if my partner wants to be polyamorous and I am unsure?
Sometimes one partner wants to go faster than the other and is very ready for polyamory whilst the other partner is apprehensive and resisting the idea. As always, the fundamental position of secure relationships should be taken, whereby a “we” position is more important than the “I”. Pressuring your partner to become polyamorous or submitting out of fear of losing your partner, is not a good foundation for open relating. Secure relating every step of the way will assure that you are your partner are building the skills and bond to sail the seas of polyamory smoothly.
Therapy for polyamorous people in Melbourne
We have practitioners who have experienced and specialized training in working with individuals or relationships who are considering or are experiencing hiccups in their experience of polyamory. For polyamorous couples therapy or individual psychotherapy, have a look at the profile of the following practitioners at The Spring Clinic –
Alternatively, you might want to look at Our Team, to get some individual support in understanding your patterns of relationship or self-esteem challenges whilst exploring polyamory.
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