When should my partner and I go to couples therapy? Advice from a Melbourne Couples Therapist

If you are reading this, the thought of going to couples therapy has already drifted in and out of your mind a few times. Perhaps you and your partner are feeling distant, perhaps you’re fighting a lot more, perhaps there is a topic of conflict which you return to from time to time, but things seem to settle down in between. Whatever the reason, you have thought at times – maybe we could do with a little help?

Couples often delay coming to couples therapy for some time. In part, there has been a cultural stigma in going to couples therapy or seeking mental health support generally, whereby we believe that therapy is only if you are at breaking point or “sick”. Whilst this stigma is generally easing and couples therapy is becoming normalised as a helpful and proactive resource for happy long term relationships, we might feel self-conscious about the message it sends to ourselves or others that we 'need' couples therapy. Another deeper reason for holding off couples counselling, is that we are on some level avoiding confronting what needs to be discussed. Talking openly and intimately might feel uncomfortable or talking about some topics might bring up feelings, which we’d prefer not to feel. For instance, talking about sex is often avoided because difficulties with physical intimacy often lead to feelings of anxiety and shame for both partners. Ultimately, we may fear that acknowledging our experience in couples therapy, may in some way threaten the relationship itself and lead to separation.

As a Melbourne couples therapist who has worked with hundreds of couples, I have observed that many couples are coming to couples therapy too late.

They make contact in distress, looking for immediate support and when we sit down together, there has already been many months or even years of hurt, resentment and panic. The first step of couples therapy is always “deescalating”, which means that we work to regulate our emotions and regain the feeling of being a team, so that we can begin to have the discussions necessary to understand what is underneath their chronic conflict or distance. The longer a couple has been in distress, the harder it will be to reach a place of mutual trust in the other’s care and willingness to listen. A fundamental sense of still feeling like a unit, like a “we”, above and beyond whatever conflict is going on, is what is needed. And when couples come after long periods of conflict, there might be very little mutual respect, kindness and care left.

Perhaps this results from a very common misunderstanding of what couples therapy is and does. Generally, we think that the issue is conflict itself, and once we stop yelling at each other and listen, the work is done. So, couples therapy naturally, is thought of as stage 1, “deescalating conflict”. And whilst getting into a position in which we can calmly speak is essential, that is only half the work. The more essential part of couples therapy is reflecting on being able to identify and express what is most important to us, but also, usually hidden underneath our protective responses.

What I mean by couples coming “too late”, is that they are locked so tightly into patterns of reactivity and have so little feelings of warmth, trust or respect left, that even with weekly couples therapy, they continue to fall back into escalated conflict and eventually the stress breaks them apart. Couples therapy is not a magic wand but a collaborative process of reflection and action. And any process of learning and change, necessitates that we feel enough safety to access curiosity and enough well-being to do the important but sometimes challenging work of couples therapy.

So if you and your partner are thinking about couples therapy but don’t think it’s “bad enough” to go, this is actually the perfect timing to go to couples therapy. When you're still feeling united but have some niggling challenges, your are in the best position to engage in couples therapy – we can spend less time deescalating and more time talking about the important stuff. That's because couples therapy isn't just about being free of fighting, it's real aim is supporting couples to have fulfilling, committed relationships.

If this post is the little nudge you needed to seek support, follow this link to find a Melbourne Couples therapist or to check out our couples counsellors offering remote sessions via zoom.

Written by Alexandra Scoleri.